An Unwelcome Opening

I am facing an Opening right now that has turned my life upside down. I will walk through it, having no other choice. To say I am challenged by this Opening is an understatement – Ann

How Could I Be Ready for This Opening?

My husband of 37 years passed away in the end of May. We had a close relationship and deeply supported each other’s journeys. Now I am alone, here in our high desert home, wondering what my life will be. I am facing an Opening, but what do I do with it?

Although my husband had serious health challenges for almost 4 years, I realize there was no way to fully prepare for this. We focused on life as he rallied. He stayed vital and put his all into his health. He wanted to live and he thrived as best he could – until the last two months of his life, when he began to see a new Opening.

As his health declined dramatically, he started to say that his state of being was not what he wanted for his life. It was hard for both of us to face this. However, I could not be selfish and ask him to turn away, just for me, from the new Opening before him. This new Opening was beckoning him and devastating me.

The Shock of It

When my husband passed, a door closed behind me. How would I fill this hole he left and what would this next chapter of my life be? I had no idea. The Opening was there, but it was dark. I had no clues. My previous life was gone and I was thrust into a new one. I could not see ahead.

I set out to stabilize the new place I was in. I am deeply grieving the loss of him and my previous life. I need to create a new life. There is no choice here, just the reality of it. It will take time, strength and courage to release the past and envision something new.

A part of me has “flown away”. I am not myself. Shock destabilized me. I cannot not just blithely walk through an Opening into a new life. There are intermediary Openings that need to be walked through before a new chapter can be entered. The shock of it all has thrown me into a “no man’s (or no woman’s!) land” that is unfamiliar to me.

Self-Care and Kindness

To prepare myself for new Openings, I began to practice self-care and kindness. My practice includes allowing others to support me, spending time with loved ones, talking to and visiting friends and family and those who have walked through this Opening of a loved one’s death and giving myself time.

I am surrounded with love and blessings that are nurturing me. I allow them and know my vulnerability right now. I have to rebuild after experiencing this shock and loss. I realize this is something many have gone through and I can learn from them. My journey is unique to me in other ways, so I have to stay in touch with my own emotions and needs.

I am allowing myself to be supported with therapy and healing. It is helping. This journey is bigger than me. I know I need to muster courage and strength. I have put a lot into my life journey and personal growth. This is my biggest challenge so far. If I am to stay true to the values I have developed, I have to put my all into getting through this.

Moving Forward

My focus is not on moving through a new Opening right away. It is about understanding where I am and what I need to move forward. It is about healing and preparing – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually – so that I can begin to move forward. What will this new life/Opening require of me? What do I want it to be?

I need to give myself time and to stay aware, in the present moment, of what is happening. An Opening beckons me from afar. I have a path to walk before I can begin to see its truth. My path is one of release and new beginnings. Of honoring the past and accepting a new future that I did not choose.

A new understanding of Openings has come from this loss. I hope I can help others as I walk this path. Ann